Sneaking Away is Never the Best Option

Sneaking away is scary and makes drop-offs worse

 

Saying goodbye is never easy, and daily drop-offs at daycare or school can be difficult for both parent/caregiver and child. Although it may seem like you are helping to avoid a big "scene" by sneaking away quietly, in reality you are making the situation worse.

Imagine the situation from your child's point of view. Mommy/daddy/caregiver is your whole world, they are safety and love. Then you are brought to daycare or school with strangers (even if you know your child care providers or teachers well, they are not you, therefore they are strangers). This place isn't home and these people aren't safe. Scary already, but good thing mom's here with me so I know that I'll be taken care of....but....wait....where's mom??!!? Mom left me??!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Where did she go? I didn't see her leave! She's never coming back for me! She's disappeared! I'm alone and scared and have no one to love me or keep me safe. Maybe mommy doesn't really love me :(

Terrifying, right? Imagine if you were out someplace and then suddenly you couldn't find your child? What would you do? Panic, imagine the worst and look for them, right? This is exactly what a child does when you suddenly disappear.

What's a better drop-off routine? Well, I'm glad you asked! Walk into the room with your child, sit and relax with them for a bit (absolutely crucial when beginning daycare or school). This will help your child to see the space as safe. If you're happy there, then they can be happy too. Speak with your child care provider in a real way. This will help your child to feel more comfortable with them. Again, if they see that you're happy and ok with them then they will see them in a more positive light and begin to understand that they are safe and loving as well. The inevitable time for you to leave will come. If your child has a difficult time with separation, give them plenty of warning that you will be leaving, a 5 minute countdown will help them to prepare and also help them understand time. When you are ready to leave give them a big hug and a kiss and tell them that you are leaving but that you will be back. Even if your child is pre-verbal, actually verbally saying this will help them to understand the words and helps to show them respect. Allow them to watch you leave so they can see where you went. Here's the tricky part, actually go. Yes, your child may cry, scream or call out for you but it is imperative that you leave when you say you are. If you leave, come back, leave come back, etc. it is just going to confuse your child and make it harder for them when you actually do leave.

By sneaking away your child is going to feel as if your love and care in unpredictable and unreliable (scroll down to my post on attachment where this is discussed more). They will not know when or for how long you will be there for them.

Telling your child when you are leaving and saying a proper goodbye teaches  your child that sometimes you have to leave, but that you respect them enough to let them know and that you will always come back when you are done work, school. etc.

I know that leaving your child can be difficult, even heart wrenching, but I promise that they will be ok. ECE's and teachers understand child development and how to help children through these difficult transitions. Having a family photo or a favorite stuffed animal can help children to feel safe during this vulnerable time. Ask your child care provider or teacher about posting a picture if this is not something that they already do or where a safe and accessible spot to leave one would be. Sometimes just seeing your face is all they need to help them cope and enjoy their day.