My Open Letter to Parents

I wrote the following after having the misfortune of interacting with a completely disrespectful, belittling teenager. Many teenagers that I've seen/spoken to lately are actually quite respectful and polite, however she was not. One bad apple spoils the whole bunch.

So, here is my open letter to my fellow parents, soon-to-be-parents and eventually-to-be-parents:

Above all else, please teach your children basic respect. I don't particularly care what else you may teach them. The sky is purple. There is no crying in baseball. You can be anything you want to be. Nickleback makes quality music. Whatever you teach them is up to you. However, please, please, please teach them to be respectful of others.
Teach your children that it is ok to say Hello and smile at a stranger you pass on the street. Not all strangers are bad. Some are simply a friend you haven't met yet.
Teach your children to hold open doors for others, offer to put back shopping carts and tell them to have a nice day.
Teach your children that hate is a powerful word. It can change their lives and the lives of others by simply thinking it.
Teach your children that everyone has the right to be loved and that there are many different kinds of love.
Teach your children that their family is the most important thing in their lives, whether it is biological, adoptive, in-law, step or honourary. Your family is who you make it to be. Love them and respect them.
Teach your children that they cannot control the lives of others. Instead they should respect the choices their loved ones make even if they don't necessarily agree with them.
Teach your children to not judge others. There are always 2 and sometimes 3 or 4 sides to every story. Consider them all before you pass judgement.
Teach your children not to simply utter the words "I'm sorry" but to understand what an apology means.
Teach your children that a smile can sometimes do more than a grand gesture.
Teach your children that the world doesn't have to be as cruel and heartless as it has become.

Thank you.

Last I Checked, My Daughter Isn't a Dog...

You're in the grocery store, minding your own business, when you see them approaching - the petters! You've become a pro at spotting them, their eyes light up at the sight of a baby or child and they come at you with their hands out. I can't tell you how many times I've had this happen, although it's getting better now that my DD is over a year old. But really, why do people think that it's ok to A) touch a strange child, and B) PET a strange child.

Seriously? I get it, babies and young children are cute (especially mine, she's ridiculously cute) but do they not deserve to be treated like humans? You wouldn't expect an adult to enjoy being pet (unless you do, then you go right ahead and enjoy that), and you probably wouldn't walk up to a strange adult and pet them on their head right? Then why do it to a baby? Should we not be showing them respect of their body and personal space? A pat, sure, if it's ok with the child and mom/dad/caregiver, but not a pet. There's a big difference. Besides, isn't it a dog rule that you don't approach and touch a strange dog? You don't know what that dog will do, if the dog will like you touching it or where that dog has been, so why not apply this to people too? I'm not a scientist, but I don't think human development goes: egg, cell, fetus, puppy, human adult.

I have had so many people touch and pet my daughter, it's ridiculous, I stopped counting very early on. And if I say something to them, I am suddenly the bad guy. Yes, I am a very mean person who does not want a stranger touching my child. Sorry about that. I just don't know who you are, where you've been, if you're sick and I also want to treat my child with respect. Sorry *shrug*.

It's not just strangers though. It would probably be a lot easier if it was just strangers, but nope. Everyone seems to like to pet my daughter's head and back. Hugging and normal touches are fine, but I draw the line at petting. I simply don't get it, and I kind of find it weird (am I the only one??).

So, here's my point: Please respect babies and children. Do not pet them, Do not touch them if you do not know them. Treat children like humans, please.

I can't be the only one....

It started when my daughter was about 6 months old. It started out slow, and at first I thought that maybe I was imagining things. Then when she was 8 months old, the first real, undeniable comment happened, "oh, you're still breastfeeding?" Ummm...yeah? I don't understand how that could be a problem. Hmm, weird. Then as her first birthday got closer and closer, I noticed even more people were giving me a look, as if to say "Dear, you really ought to stop breastfeeding her. She's a big girl now, it's wrong". For a little bit I felt like I was the only one to think that it's ok, and normal to breastfeed past the year mark. Yes she was a big girl, but come on, she's not that big (right?!). I found some love and validation in the always right, always trusted Internet and forgot about those silly people. I knew that it was the best thing for her and we were going to keep going for as long as we could.

Then when I went back to work after my year off, I was talking to someone about my daughter and somehow it came up that I was still breastfeeding. "Oh!" she said, "what are you thinking?! You breastfeeding her is the reason that she's having trouble adjusting to you being back at work". It's true, M did not like me being back at work, however I doubt it would have been any different if I didn't still nurse her. I immediately blurted out "pffft, she's only just over a year old!" She went on to explain that she thinks that breastfeeding makes babies "clingy" and "too attached". Well, if that's true, then isn't that the way it's supposed to be? Babies are "clingy" for a reason: survival. Women aren't born with both the ability to produce milk and formula. We are meant to breastfeed, so yeah, I'm gonna breastfeed my child.

Now, I'm not saying that I'm going to breastfeed her until she's 8, but I see no harm in doing it past a year. The WHO recommends breastfeeding until age 2, not stopping once solids are introduced. Besides, there's no way M is ready to stop yet, so why make her if we don't have to. Oh, right cause I'll be raising a clingy, overly-attached child instead of a healthy child who is better at self-regulating and more confident than her bottle-fed peers. Right, silly me.

So, I took a bit of a hiatus...

Ok, I know, I've been slacking...a bit....ok, a lot. But! I'm back and will actually be writing more since I'm home and settled again :)

Making a Mess or Investigating?

You've just put all your child's toys away and your livingroom finally looks clean, you turn around for one minute and your child is pulling everything back out. Great. Well, in a way, yeah it is great. While having every single kleenex pulled out of the box or rubbing mud all over their legs may seem like a huge mess and hassle to you, stop and think about it from the child's perspective. What are they learning? Feeling? Thinking? What sound do the kleenexes makes as they are pulled out? What does the mud feel like squished in between their fingers? Adults take these experiences for granted, we rarely stop to smell the roses. But for a child, it is purely magical, especially if it is their first time experiencing mud.

If you rush a child through an activity, event or a simple walk you could be taking away great in-the-moment learning experiences from them. Yeah, you've seen a grasshopper before, no big deal, just keep walking by. But to a child who has never seen one they are a treasure needing to be explored. How do they walk? How high can they jump? Look at how big his eyes are! There are learning experiences everywhere, we just have to take the time to examine them. Science experiments can happen at any moment. You don't need to set up a whole lab with funny smelling chemicals. Just wandering through a field will do the trick! Flowers, bugs, animals, trees, sounds, etc. are waiting to be discovered if you take the time to explore.

So, yes, although it can be a little frustrating to have the entire contents of a drawer dumped out by your one year old, try to stop yourself from cleaning it up right away. Ask yourself what your child was experiencing as he was taking everything out. What was he interested in? Was it the dumping things out that was fun (cause, come on, admit it, throwing things around can be fun) or was he specifically trying to get something? Perhaps the sound of the drawer contents hitting your nice clean floor was what he was interested in.

Let your child rub mud all over her body, it'll come off with some water, and putting your laundry back into the basket after you already folded everything so nicely won't take more than 5 minutes. Instead of fretting about the mess, join her! See how much fun you can have together and what new things you can introduce to the experience.
Have fun!!!

Sometimes The Best Thing You Can Do For Your Children Is To Get A Massage

Seems a little counterintuitive, I know, but sometimes the best thing for your family is for you to take some time away just for you. Massages not your thing? How about a pedicure, new haircut, go shopping (just for you, no groceries or stopping at Carter's allowed) or take a stroll through a local trail. The point is to do something that lets you relax and have some "me time".

Why is this so important? Well, in short, being a parent is a tough job and comes with a lot of stress. The hours are long, the work is demanding and you rarely hear "you're doing a great job!" and sometimes you need a break. This doesn't make you a "bad" parent, in fact, it makes you a good one. You can't be expected to be at the top of everything that's going on in your house and with everyone in it if you're not at your best. Sometimes it may be as simple as stepping away for a few minutes and taking a deep breath just to clear your head.

Our society runs on an independent system. We are groomed to believe that you are "good" if you are able to do things alone. We praise children when they can do something for themselves and believe that if a child is able to soothe themselves, sleep by themselves or play by themselves it is a reflection of the  "good" parenting they received. And yet, we wonder why it is so difficult for people to ask for help or be a part of a team.

Well, I'm here to tell you that it is indeed okay to ask for help. Asking for help is not a sign of weakness, but a sign of strength. Know your limits and abilities and seek assistance when something is too difficult, physically, emotionally or otherwise. So yes, go ahead and take an extra hour when you're out shopping to stop for some secret ice cream. You know your children are safe, take some time for yourself, you deserve it!

The Dark Side of Good Job

We all say "good job", it just seems to fall out of your mouth when a child does something or creates something. The intention is good, you're giving praise, that's what you're supposed to do, right?
Well, maybe. Perhaps a closer look at what always saying "good job" can do will help to see why it should not be the go to expression.  

 What's Good?
This favourite expression of ours is perhaps a favourite because it is so ambiguous. You can say "good job" in just about any situation. Think about it. See, almost anything a child does, you can apply the "good job" sticker to. And that's the problem, it's so vague and ambiguous. What exactly was good about the picture that your child drew? Was it that it's on paper instead of the walls? Was it that she drew a tree? Was it that she drew a picture in the first place?

Doesn't Mean Much
Because "good job" is for a lot of people, their go to expression, after a while it begins to lose its meaning. After hearing the same thing over and over again, it just becomes words, no longer creating a sense of pride or happiness. This occurs for both you saying it and for the child receiving this praise. For the adult, it just becomes something you automatically say to children. You may not even realize that you've said it, it just happens. Think about that job you had as a teenager and you had to greet customers "Hi, how are you today? How may I help you?"  These words just came right out without you thinking about it, there may have even been times where you repeated them because you weren't aware that you already said them. The same thing happens with this automatic praise.

Lack of Self Pride
Children may begin to see their accomplishments as accomplishments only if they are told they are by a parent or other adult. They lose the ability to believe in themselves and feel proud of what they have done unless they are given the ok by an adult. We should be teaching children that what matters is that they are proud of something that they have done and that it is more important to do the best that you can and not try to measure up to someone else's standards.

What Can I Say Instead of "Good Job"?
There are many alternatives instead of automatically saying "good job" including:
1) Make a Statement About What the Child Has Done. When you make a statement about something, you must really pay attention to what the child is doing/showing you. This allows you to look deeper into the experience and not just barely touch the surface. Using the picture example, you could say "I see you made a picture of an apple tree with bunnies playing around in the grass." See how that was much more specific without using the word "good"? Yet the child will feel good because their hard work was recognized and you really looked at it.
2) Ask a Question. Ask the child to explain their work - you'll be amazed at how much joy they'll get in doing so. They worked really hard, they deserve the opportunity to share what/why/how they did something. Asking specific questions also allows you to appreciate the little things and understand their thought process (and in turn understand them better). Asking questions will help the child to feel self pride and appreciate their own abilities because they will feel valued and respected. Don't you feel good after someone asks you to explain how you did something?
3) Turn It Around on the Child. When a child asks you to look at their creation, ask them what their favourite part is or why they like it. This will help them to develop self pride and they will draw/create/do for themselves, not for anyone else.

Can I Ever Say "Good Job"?
Sure you can! The point that I am trying to make is that it is more beneficial to children and your relationship if you help them to feel positive about their skills and abilities without someone's praise first. When you do give praise, it will have more meaning if you really look at what you are praising. Instead of giving a standard praise line, appreciate the qualities of what your child is doing and be specific. This will lend itself to your child saying "Mommy, look what I can do!!" instead of "Mommy, do you like this?" The difference is subtle, but the first child is proud of something they have accomplished and feels special, wheres the second child is looking to feel special in order to accomplish something.

Ask Baby Permission...Really?!

Yep, sounds kind of weird, I know. But asking your baby for permission to pick him/her up, asking if they would like to go somewhere, do something or for their opinion is a good practice to get into.

Asking permission and having actual conversations with baby (compared to baby talk and rhetorical questions over and over again) shows baby respect and allows them to be an active member in your relationship. No, it is not likely that a young infant will reply "yes, please pick me up" if you ask, however you are helping them to understand language. Soon, they will connect the words "pick up" and the action of you putting your hands out to being picked up. Once they make this language connection they will be able to tell you if they want up or not. The next integral part of this is that you respect their choice, remember you did ask if they wanted to. If baby tells you no, then it is a no.

Of course there are times when you have to call the shots, and even if baby doesn't want to get his/her diaper changed, it's going to happen anyway. However, you can still demonstrate respect and engage in reciprocity by saying "I am going to pick you up and do a diaper change". You are letting baby know what is going to happen and allowing them to be active, instead of passive in the exchange.

When possible, approach and pick up baby from the front. This is a lot less scary then suddenly being grabbed from behind (imagine someone picking you up from behind - I'm sure I'd be scared and probably kick a bit - or a lot). Approaching baby from the front also allows you to have a face to face conversation, look into each other's eyes and read non-verbal cues. This will teach baby how non-verbal communication works and its importance.

Saying "please" and "thank you" are just as important as asking baby for permission. Using polite language creates an atmosphere of respect, and just as asking for permission and their opinion minding your p's ad q's will teach baby their manners. We say please and thank you to show respect, kindness and as part of polite behaviour, why should our children be exempted from receiving this from us?

It is important to remember that baby will learn about life, social norms and acceptable behaviour from those he/she engages with. If baby doesn't receive this kind of respect or is not given the chance to participate in respectful communication now, how will they do so when they are older? On the flip side, if you do not say please and thank you to baby from the beginning, when will you start? Will you just suddenly start speaking politely to your child on their, say, 3rd birthday? Not likely. Get into the habit right away. It will help your relationship and help your child to grow into an understanding, polite person who feels respected and loved.

Sneaking Away is Never the Best Option

Sneaking away is scary and makes drop-offs worse

 

Saying goodbye is never easy, and daily drop-offs at daycare or school can be difficult for both parent/caregiver and child. Although it may seem like you are helping to avoid a big "scene" by sneaking away quietly, in reality you are making the situation worse.

Imagine the situation from your child's point of view. Mommy/daddy/caregiver is your whole world, they are safety and love. Then you are brought to daycare or school with strangers (even if you know your child care providers or teachers well, they are not you, therefore they are strangers). This place isn't home and these people aren't safe. Scary already, but good thing mom's here with me so I know that I'll be taken care of....but....wait....where's mom??!!? Mom left me??!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Where did she go? I didn't see her leave! She's never coming back for me! She's disappeared! I'm alone and scared and have no one to love me or keep me safe. Maybe mommy doesn't really love me :(

Terrifying, right? Imagine if you were out someplace and then suddenly you couldn't find your child? What would you do? Panic, imagine the worst and look for them, right? This is exactly what a child does when you suddenly disappear.

What's a better drop-off routine? Well, I'm glad you asked! Walk into the room with your child, sit and relax with them for a bit (absolutely crucial when beginning daycare or school). This will help your child to see the space as safe. If you're happy there, then they can be happy too. Speak with your child care provider in a real way. This will help your child to feel more comfortable with them. Again, if they see that you're happy and ok with them then they will see them in a more positive light and begin to understand that they are safe and loving as well. The inevitable time for you to leave will come. If your child has a difficult time with separation, give them plenty of warning that you will be leaving, a 5 minute countdown will help them to prepare and also help them understand time. When you are ready to leave give them a big hug and a kiss and tell them that you are leaving but that you will be back. Even if your child is pre-verbal, actually verbally saying this will help them to understand the words and helps to show them respect. Allow them to watch you leave so they can see where you went. Here's the tricky part, actually go. Yes, your child may cry, scream or call out for you but it is imperative that you leave when you say you are. If you leave, come back, leave come back, etc. it is just going to confuse your child and make it harder for them when you actually do leave.

By sneaking away your child is going to feel as if your love and care in unpredictable and unreliable (scroll down to my post on attachment where this is discussed more). They will not know when or for how long you will be there for them.

Telling your child when you are leaving and saying a proper goodbye teaches  your child that sometimes you have to leave, but that you respect them enough to let them know and that you will always come back when you are done work, school. etc.

I know that leaving your child can be difficult, even heart wrenching, but I promise that they will be ok. ECE's and teachers understand child development and how to help children through these difficult transitions. Having a family photo or a favorite stuffed animal can help children to feel safe during this vulnerable time. Ask your child care provider or teacher about posting a picture if this is not something that they already do or where a safe and accessible spot to leave one would be. Sometimes just seeing your face is all they need to help them cope and enjoy their day.

When Will the Dishes Get Done?

Tomorrow...probably...possibly...maybe

Having children is a time consuming thing! Not only are there things like feeding, changing diapers, hugging and playing with your child but all that other regular stuff like dishes and laundry still need to get done. So, how can you possibly get everything done and have your house looking clean like it used to? Well, in short, you don't.

I was once told that a good mom has a pile of laundry, sticky floors and a happy baby in her arms. Well, if that's true then I am a terrific Mommy! :)

I've learned to prioritize. My daughter comes first above all else. I spend as much of my time focused on her as I can. But, there's always chores to do. If you were never good at time management, now that you're a parent, it's a good time to learn! Think about what needs to be done, what should be done and what can wait until later.

Needs to be done for me usually involve washing diapers and dishes, and I typically do them in the mornings because I know DD is likely to sit and play contently by herself for a bit. Whatever should be done, like my laundry or tidying up I do if I get the chance (i.e. if DD is still playing or has decided that I had enough time away) and things that can wait, well they can wait until tomorrow.

Now is also a good time to allow yourself to feel comfortable with people seeing toys strewn across your floor and dishes piled in the sink. Here's a secret: everyone has dishes in their sinks at some point. It's not the end of the world if friends see it. You have better things to do at the moment then making sure every single glass is washed to sparkling perfection. If you have a partner, she/he is there to help you out. He/she can pick up the slack and get that sticky floor clean or ask a friend or family member to come help out once in a while. Don't fret too much about having things sparkly, that's just adding unnecessary stress to your life. Yes, some cleaning is required on a regular basis, but chances are if it doesn't get done right away it won't be the end of the world.