I can't be the only one....

It started when my daughter was about 6 months old. It started out slow, and at first I thought that maybe I was imagining things. Then when she was 8 months old, the first real, undeniable comment happened, "oh, you're still breastfeeding?" Ummm...yeah? I don't understand how that could be a problem. Hmm, weird. Then as her first birthday got closer and closer, I noticed even more people were giving me a look, as if to say "Dear, you really ought to stop breastfeeding her. She's a big girl now, it's wrong". For a little bit I felt like I was the only one to think that it's ok, and normal to breastfeed past the year mark. Yes she was a big girl, but come on, she's not that big (right?!). I found some love and validation in the always right, always trusted Internet and forgot about those silly people. I knew that it was the best thing for her and we were going to keep going for as long as we could.

Then when I went back to work after my year off, I was talking to someone about my daughter and somehow it came up that I was still breastfeeding. "Oh!" she said, "what are you thinking?! You breastfeeding her is the reason that she's having trouble adjusting to you being back at work". It's true, M did not like me being back at work, however I doubt it would have been any different if I didn't still nurse her. I immediately blurted out "pffft, she's only just over a year old!" She went on to explain that she thinks that breastfeeding makes babies "clingy" and "too attached". Well, if that's true, then isn't that the way it's supposed to be? Babies are "clingy" for a reason: survival. Women aren't born with both the ability to produce milk and formula. We are meant to breastfeed, so yeah, I'm gonna breastfeed my child.

Now, I'm not saying that I'm going to breastfeed her until she's 8, but I see no harm in doing it past a year. The WHO recommends breastfeeding until age 2, not stopping once solids are introduced. Besides, there's no way M is ready to stop yet, so why make her if we don't have to. Oh, right cause I'll be raising a clingy, overly-attached child instead of a healthy child who is better at self-regulating and more confident than her bottle-fed peers. Right, silly me.

So, I took a bit of a hiatus...

Ok, I know, I've been slacking...a bit....ok, a lot. But! I'm back and will actually be writing more since I'm home and settled again :)

Making a Mess or Investigating?

You've just put all your child's toys away and your livingroom finally looks clean, you turn around for one minute and your child is pulling everything back out. Great. Well, in a way, yeah it is great. While having every single kleenex pulled out of the box or rubbing mud all over their legs may seem like a huge mess and hassle to you, stop and think about it from the child's perspective. What are they learning? Feeling? Thinking? What sound do the kleenexes makes as they are pulled out? What does the mud feel like squished in between their fingers? Adults take these experiences for granted, we rarely stop to smell the roses. But for a child, it is purely magical, especially if it is their first time experiencing mud.

If you rush a child through an activity, event or a simple walk you could be taking away great in-the-moment learning experiences from them. Yeah, you've seen a grasshopper before, no big deal, just keep walking by. But to a child who has never seen one they are a treasure needing to be explored. How do they walk? How high can they jump? Look at how big his eyes are! There are learning experiences everywhere, we just have to take the time to examine them. Science experiments can happen at any moment. You don't need to set up a whole lab with funny smelling chemicals. Just wandering through a field will do the trick! Flowers, bugs, animals, trees, sounds, etc. are waiting to be discovered if you take the time to explore.

So, yes, although it can be a little frustrating to have the entire contents of a drawer dumped out by your one year old, try to stop yourself from cleaning it up right away. Ask yourself what your child was experiencing as he was taking everything out. What was he interested in? Was it the dumping things out that was fun (cause, come on, admit it, throwing things around can be fun) or was he specifically trying to get something? Perhaps the sound of the drawer contents hitting your nice clean floor was what he was interested in.

Let your child rub mud all over her body, it'll come off with some water, and putting your laundry back into the basket after you already folded everything so nicely won't take more than 5 minutes. Instead of fretting about the mess, join her! See how much fun you can have together and what new things you can introduce to the experience.
Have fun!!!

Sometimes The Best Thing You Can Do For Your Children Is To Get A Massage

Seems a little counterintuitive, I know, but sometimes the best thing for your family is for you to take some time away just for you. Massages not your thing? How about a pedicure, new haircut, go shopping (just for you, no groceries or stopping at Carter's allowed) or take a stroll through a local trail. The point is to do something that lets you relax and have some "me time".

Why is this so important? Well, in short, being a parent is a tough job and comes with a lot of stress. The hours are long, the work is demanding and you rarely hear "you're doing a great job!" and sometimes you need a break. This doesn't make you a "bad" parent, in fact, it makes you a good one. You can't be expected to be at the top of everything that's going on in your house and with everyone in it if you're not at your best. Sometimes it may be as simple as stepping away for a few minutes and taking a deep breath just to clear your head.

Our society runs on an independent system. We are groomed to believe that you are "good" if you are able to do things alone. We praise children when they can do something for themselves and believe that if a child is able to soothe themselves, sleep by themselves or play by themselves it is a reflection of the  "good" parenting they received. And yet, we wonder why it is so difficult for people to ask for help or be a part of a team.

Well, I'm here to tell you that it is indeed okay to ask for help. Asking for help is not a sign of weakness, but a sign of strength. Know your limits and abilities and seek assistance when something is too difficult, physically, emotionally or otherwise. So yes, go ahead and take an extra hour when you're out shopping to stop for some secret ice cream. You know your children are safe, take some time for yourself, you deserve it!

The Dark Side of Good Job

We all say "good job", it just seems to fall out of your mouth when a child does something or creates something. The intention is good, you're giving praise, that's what you're supposed to do, right?
Well, maybe. Perhaps a closer look at what always saying "good job" can do will help to see why it should not be the go to expression.  

 What's Good?
This favourite expression of ours is perhaps a favourite because it is so ambiguous. You can say "good job" in just about any situation. Think about it. See, almost anything a child does, you can apply the "good job" sticker to. And that's the problem, it's so vague and ambiguous. What exactly was good about the picture that your child drew? Was it that it's on paper instead of the walls? Was it that she drew a tree? Was it that she drew a picture in the first place?

Doesn't Mean Much
Because "good job" is for a lot of people, their go to expression, after a while it begins to lose its meaning. After hearing the same thing over and over again, it just becomes words, no longer creating a sense of pride or happiness. This occurs for both you saying it and for the child receiving this praise. For the adult, it just becomes something you automatically say to children. You may not even realize that you've said it, it just happens. Think about that job you had as a teenager and you had to greet customers "Hi, how are you today? How may I help you?"  These words just came right out without you thinking about it, there may have even been times where you repeated them because you weren't aware that you already said them. The same thing happens with this automatic praise.

Lack of Self Pride
Children may begin to see their accomplishments as accomplishments only if they are told they are by a parent or other adult. They lose the ability to believe in themselves and feel proud of what they have done unless they are given the ok by an adult. We should be teaching children that what matters is that they are proud of something that they have done and that it is more important to do the best that you can and not try to measure up to someone else's standards.

What Can I Say Instead of "Good Job"?
There are many alternatives instead of automatically saying "good job" including:
1) Make a Statement About What the Child Has Done. When you make a statement about something, you must really pay attention to what the child is doing/showing you. This allows you to look deeper into the experience and not just barely touch the surface. Using the picture example, you could say "I see you made a picture of an apple tree with bunnies playing around in the grass." See how that was much more specific without using the word "good"? Yet the child will feel good because their hard work was recognized and you really looked at it.
2) Ask a Question. Ask the child to explain their work - you'll be amazed at how much joy they'll get in doing so. They worked really hard, they deserve the opportunity to share what/why/how they did something. Asking specific questions also allows you to appreciate the little things and understand their thought process (and in turn understand them better). Asking questions will help the child to feel self pride and appreciate their own abilities because they will feel valued and respected. Don't you feel good after someone asks you to explain how you did something?
3) Turn It Around on the Child. When a child asks you to look at their creation, ask them what their favourite part is or why they like it. This will help them to develop self pride and they will draw/create/do for themselves, not for anyone else.

Can I Ever Say "Good Job"?
Sure you can! The point that I am trying to make is that it is more beneficial to children and your relationship if you help them to feel positive about their skills and abilities without someone's praise first. When you do give praise, it will have more meaning if you really look at what you are praising. Instead of giving a standard praise line, appreciate the qualities of what your child is doing and be specific. This will lend itself to your child saying "Mommy, look what I can do!!" instead of "Mommy, do you like this?" The difference is subtle, but the first child is proud of something they have accomplished and feels special, wheres the second child is looking to feel special in order to accomplish something.

Ask Baby Permission...Really?!

Yep, sounds kind of weird, I know. But asking your baby for permission to pick him/her up, asking if they would like to go somewhere, do something or for their opinion is a good practice to get into.

Asking permission and having actual conversations with baby (compared to baby talk and rhetorical questions over and over again) shows baby respect and allows them to be an active member in your relationship. No, it is not likely that a young infant will reply "yes, please pick me up" if you ask, however you are helping them to understand language. Soon, they will connect the words "pick up" and the action of you putting your hands out to being picked up. Once they make this language connection they will be able to tell you if they want up or not. The next integral part of this is that you respect their choice, remember you did ask if they wanted to. If baby tells you no, then it is a no.

Of course there are times when you have to call the shots, and even if baby doesn't want to get his/her diaper changed, it's going to happen anyway. However, you can still demonstrate respect and engage in reciprocity by saying "I am going to pick you up and do a diaper change". You are letting baby know what is going to happen and allowing them to be active, instead of passive in the exchange.

When possible, approach and pick up baby from the front. This is a lot less scary then suddenly being grabbed from behind (imagine someone picking you up from behind - I'm sure I'd be scared and probably kick a bit - or a lot). Approaching baby from the front also allows you to have a face to face conversation, look into each other's eyes and read non-verbal cues. This will teach baby how non-verbal communication works and its importance.

Saying "please" and "thank you" are just as important as asking baby for permission. Using polite language creates an atmosphere of respect, and just as asking for permission and their opinion minding your p's ad q's will teach baby their manners. We say please and thank you to show respect, kindness and as part of polite behaviour, why should our children be exempted from receiving this from us?

It is important to remember that baby will learn about life, social norms and acceptable behaviour from those he/she engages with. If baby doesn't receive this kind of respect or is not given the chance to participate in respectful communication now, how will they do so when they are older? On the flip side, if you do not say please and thank you to baby from the beginning, when will you start? Will you just suddenly start speaking politely to your child on their, say, 3rd birthday? Not likely. Get into the habit right away. It will help your relationship and help your child to grow into an understanding, polite person who feels respected and loved.

Sneaking Away is Never the Best Option

Sneaking away is scary and makes drop-offs worse

 

Saying goodbye is never easy, and daily drop-offs at daycare or school can be difficult for both parent/caregiver and child. Although it may seem like you are helping to avoid a big "scene" by sneaking away quietly, in reality you are making the situation worse.

Imagine the situation from your child's point of view. Mommy/daddy/caregiver is your whole world, they are safety and love. Then you are brought to daycare or school with strangers (even if you know your child care providers or teachers well, they are not you, therefore they are strangers). This place isn't home and these people aren't safe. Scary already, but good thing mom's here with me so I know that I'll be taken care of....but....wait....where's mom??!!? Mom left me??!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Where did she go? I didn't see her leave! She's never coming back for me! She's disappeared! I'm alone and scared and have no one to love me or keep me safe. Maybe mommy doesn't really love me :(

Terrifying, right? Imagine if you were out someplace and then suddenly you couldn't find your child? What would you do? Panic, imagine the worst and look for them, right? This is exactly what a child does when you suddenly disappear.

What's a better drop-off routine? Well, I'm glad you asked! Walk into the room with your child, sit and relax with them for a bit (absolutely crucial when beginning daycare or school). This will help your child to see the space as safe. If you're happy there, then they can be happy too. Speak with your child care provider in a real way. This will help your child to feel more comfortable with them. Again, if they see that you're happy and ok with them then they will see them in a more positive light and begin to understand that they are safe and loving as well. The inevitable time for you to leave will come. If your child has a difficult time with separation, give them plenty of warning that you will be leaving, a 5 minute countdown will help them to prepare and also help them understand time. When you are ready to leave give them a big hug and a kiss and tell them that you are leaving but that you will be back. Even if your child is pre-verbal, actually verbally saying this will help them to understand the words and helps to show them respect. Allow them to watch you leave so they can see where you went. Here's the tricky part, actually go. Yes, your child may cry, scream or call out for you but it is imperative that you leave when you say you are. If you leave, come back, leave come back, etc. it is just going to confuse your child and make it harder for them when you actually do leave.

By sneaking away your child is going to feel as if your love and care in unpredictable and unreliable (scroll down to my post on attachment where this is discussed more). They will not know when or for how long you will be there for them.

Telling your child when you are leaving and saying a proper goodbye teaches  your child that sometimes you have to leave, but that you respect them enough to let them know and that you will always come back when you are done work, school. etc.

I know that leaving your child can be difficult, even heart wrenching, but I promise that they will be ok. ECE's and teachers understand child development and how to help children through these difficult transitions. Having a family photo or a favorite stuffed animal can help children to feel safe during this vulnerable time. Ask your child care provider or teacher about posting a picture if this is not something that they already do or where a safe and accessible spot to leave one would be. Sometimes just seeing your face is all they need to help them cope and enjoy their day.

When Will the Dishes Get Done?

Tomorrow...probably...possibly...maybe

Having children is a time consuming thing! Not only are there things like feeding, changing diapers, hugging and playing with your child but all that other regular stuff like dishes and laundry still need to get done. So, how can you possibly get everything done and have your house looking clean like it used to? Well, in short, you don't.

I was once told that a good mom has a pile of laundry, sticky floors and a happy baby in her arms. Well, if that's true then I am a terrific Mommy! :)

I've learned to prioritize. My daughter comes first above all else. I spend as much of my time focused on her as I can. But, there's always chores to do. If you were never good at time management, now that you're a parent, it's a good time to learn! Think about what needs to be done, what should be done and what can wait until later.

Needs to be done for me usually involve washing diapers and dishes, and I typically do them in the mornings because I know DD is likely to sit and play contently by herself for a bit. Whatever should be done, like my laundry or tidying up I do if I get the chance (i.e. if DD is still playing or has decided that I had enough time away) and things that can wait, well they can wait until tomorrow.

Now is also a good time to allow yourself to feel comfortable with people seeing toys strewn across your floor and dishes piled in the sink. Here's a secret: everyone has dishes in their sinks at some point. It's not the end of the world if friends see it. You have better things to do at the moment then making sure every single glass is washed to sparkling perfection. If you have a partner, she/he is there to help you out. He/she can pick up the slack and get that sticky floor clean or ask a friend or family member to come help out once in a while. Don't fret too much about having things sparkly, that's just adding unnecessary stress to your life. Yes, some cleaning is required on a regular basis, but chances are if it doesn't get done right away it won't be the end of the world.

What is "Attachment" Anyway?

Attachment styles are actually a pretty simple concept to understand if you take out all the technical mumbo-jumbo. There's 2 basic types of attachment: secure and insecure.
Secure attachment means that you have a positive image of yourself, others and the world.
Insecure attachment results in having poor images of yourself and/or others and/or the world.
See, pretty simple, right?
Securely attached children seek out their parents for comfort and to check if something is ok. These children are upset when their parents initially leave and are excited when they return. Securely attached children quite obviously prefer their parents/caregivers to anyone else and will often become upset if a stranger (and sometimes not quite so strange, just not mom/dad) holds them, although they will accept comfort and engage with other adults. These children are often described as happy and content. Life is good for the securely attached child.

There are 3 kinds of insecure attachment: ambivalent, avoidant and disorganized.
Ambivalently attached children are extremely wary of strangers and become incredibly distraught when their primary caregivers leaves. However, they do not react positively when she/he returns. The child may ignore the parent, become upset or aggressive upon their return.
Avoidant attachment is just as it sounds, they avoid their parents. They do not actively seek them out, care when they leave or come back and will accept comfort from just about anyone.
Disorganized attachment is also pretty clear cut. A child with this type of insecure attachment is kind of all over the place with their attachment. They may want only their caregiver one minute, not care the next and then be extremely upset when mom leaves the room, although they may not notice when she returns. These children often seen confused and unsure of what to do next or around their caregiver.

Securely attached infants and children often have responsive parents who are in tune with their children's cues. These parents often engage with their children and have a close relationship (attachment parenting, anyone?). Securely attached children see the world as a safe place, that they have a parent who is there to help keep them safe and guide them and that they are capable.
Often, insecurely attached children have parents/caregivers that are not responsive to their needs. These parents may provide unpredictable love and care (as in the "cry it out" method") or perhaps show little at all.

There are attachment styles in adulthood as well, although your attachment in infancy may not be your attachment style in adulthood as there are many other life factors. However, the idea is the same. Your experiences shape how you view yourself and the world.

Providing responsive and predictable love, care and support will help your child to feel safe and view the world, and those in it, in a positive and secure way.

Now wasn't that simple to understand?

Cloth Diapers Aren't As Scary As You Think...Trust Me

Since becoming a mom, I've gone from Geek to Mommy-Geek and one thing that I get to be all Mommy-Geeky about is cloth diapers. If given the chance I could ramble on about diapers for a very long time, but I'll try to keep it short and simple for you here.

Cloth diapers these days are oh so very simple, some are as easy as using disposables. You put them on and take them off when they're soiled. The only difference is that instead of throwing them away, you wash them. Gone are the days of using safety pins. Today's cloth diapers have snaps or velcro and elasticized waist bands to keep them in place. There are some that are one-size and will fit from birth to potty training, you simply make them bigger or smaller with a series of snaps. Simple and wonderful!

There is a lot of variety out there right now, which is wonderful, but it can also be a little intimidating if you're a cloth newbie. I knew I wanted to use cloth but I was so overwhelmed by all the different styles, patterns, types and brands. Luckily for me I have a couple of amazing cousins who helped me out, one even loaned me a whole bunch of different kinds to try out (thanks Liz!!!). My advice? Take it slow and ease in to the world of cloth. If you have a cloth diaper store near you go in and ask for a tutorial. Every retailer that I've dealt with has been super nice and helpful! They'll walk you through the kinds of diapers and systems that they have, how to care for the diapers ad help you figure out a system that will work best for you. Don't have a store near you? Don't worry! Many retailers use skype so even though you can't physically be there, they can still walk you through different systems. If you know someone that uses cloth, ask them about it. Most cloth mommas LOVE to talk cloth and are more than willing to help you out. There are also tons of videos on YouTube that demonstrate how to use and care for pretty much every kind of cloth diaper out there.

While the upfront cost of your cloth diaper stash may seem expensive, it is nothing compared to how much money you will spend on disposables in the long run. Plus, think of the waste that you are keeping out of our landfills. I found this article to be really informative (although long) http://www.smallfootprintfamily.com/dangers-of-disposable-diapers.

Some other benefits that I've found are: no more rashes! It seems that if I put my daughter in a disposable, she gets red almost immediately, not so with cloth!! I also became more responsive to her cues and therefore I changed her diaper quicker after she wet it. I also hear that it's easier (and quicker) to potty train cloth children compared to children wearing disposables (let's hope so!!).

Here are a few of my favourite retailers. Not only do they sell fantastic products, but their sites are full of great information!!
http://www.babybellhop.com/ - Great service and quite a large selection
http://www.theclothdiapershop.com/ - Offer great trial packages
http://www.nickisdiapers.com/ - Lots of fantastic information and the makers of   Best Bottoms, my diaper of choice!

I encourage everyone to at least give cloth a try. Once you get into it, it becomes second nature and you wonder why you haven't been using cloth from day 1.

Where Should Baby Sleep?

Wherever you want baby to sleep. Well, that was easy. Next topic please!
OK, so maybe it's not quite that simple.

We co-sleep, yes, we're those kind of people, and we love it! We didn't plan on co-sleeping, it's one of those things that before we had our baby we thought we'd never do (and to be honest, I kind of thought those crunchy, co-sleeping parents were a little nuts), but then she was born. We had her bassinet set up beside the bed all ready for her. I had tested it out and knew that I could easily get her in the middle of the night or reach my hand in to comfort her. I put her in in our first night home from the hospital and got ready to go to sleep, and it just felt wrong. I had this overwhelming feeling that she needed to be right beside me (some of this can probably be blamed on those lovely hormones). So then my partner simply said "bring her into bed with us then" (isn't he just lovely??!!). Through my tears and sobs I looked at him and said "I can do that?!" It was like a light went off. It's what we needed, so why not do it? Sleeping with my baby felt so right and natural, like that's how it was meant to be. We still co-sleep, and I am so happy that we do. We do have her bed pushed right up against ours in a side-car way so she has her own space to stretch out and I have mine but she's still right beside me and we can cuddle all night (although I will confess, she really only sleeps in her bed for the first half of the night, the other half she's with me).

Co-sleeping not for you? No problem, no need to do something that  you're not comfortable with. If you or your partner is a restless sleeper then co-sleeping probably isn't the right choice for you. Most professionals agree that having baby sleep in your room for at least the first 6 months is best for baby, for a whole list of reasons such as lowering the risk of SIDS and to make it easier for night time feedings - the quicker you can respond to baby the less likely they or you are to actually wake up. And I will strongly advocate for this. Having baby in your room for the first (at least) 6 months is so very important for attachment and health.

What you do after those 6 months is up to you. Perhaps you want baby to sleep in their own room or maybe you'd rather keep them close a little while longer and slowly move them out. Make the choice based on what will work best for your family. If it takes a longer transition time from your room to baby's own room than your friends, don't worry about it. Everyone is different and every family is different. People will tell you EXACTLY how to get baby sleeping in their own room, including using the dreaded cry it out method. Take this advice with a grain of salt. Perhaps this method worked for their family but that doesn't necessarily mean that it will work for yours.

Normally, I try to be open minded and not biased, but I must make a comment about the "cry it out" method (remember, this is mostly my opinion, and it's up to you what you do with it). I am not a fan of this method at all, not in the slightest. When babies cry it is because they need something, not because they are trying to manipulate you, they are simply incapable of that in infancy. The needs of babies are simple: to be loved, cared for and nurtured. If they cry it is because a need is not being met. Imagine the world through the eyes of an infant: loud, big, scary..but at least you have your momma! Well, that is until it gets dark outside (and scarier), then you're on your own. What this method is really teaching children is that they cannot trust in anyone to help them and that the care and the love that you give them in unpredictable and unreliable. What a terrible message to teach our children. I personally prefer to teach my child that she can trust me and that I will be there for her when she needs me. If she needs a hug to fall asleep, then she can have a hug.

Remember that parenting doesn't stop just because you're sleeping. You are a parent 24 hours a day, and baby needs to feel comfortable and safe during the night just as they do during the day. Find a way that creates this atmosphere while sleeping and go with it.
Happy sleeping!!

Welcome!

Welcome to Parent Naturally!

I created this blog as a way to help out those parents out there who may be a little frustrated, unsure or who are secretly raising their children according to Attachment Parenting.
Be proud of who you are as a parent and the secure bond that you are creating with your child. Believe in yourself as a parent. You already have the necessary tools, you just have to use them. The secret to raising happy, secure children is to help them feel happy and secure first! And trust me, you can do it!
I'll post some random tidbits, findings, anecdotes and questions, and posts about specific issues. I welcome thoughts, comments and ideas! Parenting shouldn't be a solitary thing; everyone can use a little support :)

Who's the Expert? You're the Expert!

You'll find tons of books out there and some very helpful (and some not so helpful) people with all kinds of advice and ideas of how to best raise your children. "Make sure you do this", "Definitely don't do that!" But what if deep down inside you just don't feel right doing what the "experts" say you need to?
Well, I'm going to share a little secret with you....you're the expert.
Now, don't get me wrong, there are times when consulting books or calling up mom really does help (I'll admit, my Dr. Sears book is within arms reach), but overall you'll know what is best for you and your family.
If it's not causing any harm, is safe and helpful then go for it. Sometimes, as a parent you will do things that you said you wouldn't do because "it's not right", but then you went and had a baby and guess what? Turns out that that thing you said you'd never do is the only thing that feels right!
What's the secret? Smile and nod, a lot. Say "thank you for the idea" and "oh, I never thought of doing that before" and then walk away or change the subject. People loooooove to give tips and opinions, it's up to you what you do with them. If something that they say sounds good (and there will be times that anything will sound like a good idea) then give it a try, if not move on with your life and push that tidbit out of your memory (I suggest replacing it with a delicious sounding recipe you found on Pinterest).
Listen to yourself. If something that you're doing doesn't feel right to you, then it's not right for you. Try something else.
Listen to your child. Children and babies will let you know if something is not working for them, usually they tell you this in a very loud, deafening manner, and it's up to you to find out what will help them. They may simply need to be closer to you (perhaps a hug or sleeping with you is what they need). In order to raise secure happy children, they need to first feel secure.
Parenting Naturally is all about following your heart and creating a close, secure bond with your children. No one knows your family better than you, believe in yourself and your parenting abilities.